Hey Church people knocking at my door

Dear Church People Knocking at My Door,

1) I’m not going to change my entire way of life because you interrupted my day to tell me fanciful stories of completely unprovable nonsense and then gave me a book full of crap (which I’ve read the major flavors of for most cultures) written in an incoherent, 1000 year old version of English. If I knocked on your door and started telling you about Underpants Gnomes and the coming loss of all underwear on Earth… yah – that’s how stupid you sound to anyone whose given religion any serious thought.

2) I don’t care if you have the cure for AIDS, Cancer and all the woes of Africa… if it comes wrapped in a Church package I’ll reject it just because of that – because doing good while shoving your religion down some ignorant, starving persons throat doesn’t get you any brownie points in my book. If it takes a god/jesus thingamajig to make you compassionate then you suck.

3) Don’t like rude people? Don’t bring your kids to my front door. Last time I checked Little House on the Prairie was a bad, very long running, TV show.

4) I don’t care if you voted Blue… I personally blame all church people for George Bush.

5) Don’t like something? Then don’t do it. But don’t come to my door and ask me to sign a petition forbidding people to do what is their own business. I don’t come to your church and ask you to sign on to Atheism (because I’m smart enough, unlike you, to realize that’s a waste of time).

6) And – for fucks sake – stop smiling this “I’m so stoned I wouldn’t notice a pink elephant” smile while you’re talking to me. It’s just freaking me out.

7) To the Mormons: black and white + name tags are for banquet waiters… change your clothes and someone might accidentally answer the door next time.

Green Peace, [State]pirg, local politicians… while I read everything I need to know online… you’re still tolerable.

To the Verizon Guy who came by yesterday to tell us that only FIOS would be available in TWO YEARS and that we’d have to give up DSL. WTF????